Going down a K-hole....the worst New Orleans media of all time?
K-Ville: The Pilot
A deep dive by Paul Oswell
The cop show K-Ville ran for one (1) season in 2007. It's widely regarded as the worst portrayal of New Orleans in modern media. Having never seen it, I decided to find out why. It's not available to stream, or buy anywhere, which isn't a great sign, but luckily (?), the entire season is watchable (in very low quality) on YouTube (please excuse the blurred screen grabs). Here's a deep dive into the pilot. Please join me on this odyssey.
Aaaaaand PLAY. We open with an opening couple of minutes of upsetting dramatized footage from August 2005. A cop, name of Charlie, deserts his post because he "had to" shoot a dog, his partner screaming into the sound of screeching cop car wheels. Charlieeeeeeeee!
CUT TO: Two years later and the non-Charlie cop is dancing around merrily in his kitchen as he makes a fried shrimp po-boy from scratch, as we all do every lunchtime. I say making, perhaps he's reconstructing one that he bought at the store and accidentally dropped on the floor. Anyway, his lunch prep is interrupted as he has to jump through an open window to apprehend a plant thief, a young scamp known to the non-Charlie cop.
A deep dive by Paul Oswell
The cop show K-Ville ran for one (1) season in 2007. It's widely regarded as the worst portrayal of New Orleans in modern media. Having never seen it, I decided to find out why. It's not available to stream, or buy anywhere, which isn't a great sign, but luckily (?), the entire season is watchable (in very low quality) on YouTube (please excuse the blurred screen grabs). Here's a deep dive into the pilot. Please join me on this odyssey.
Aaaaaand PLAY. We open with an opening couple of minutes of upsetting dramatized footage from August 2005. A cop, name of Charlie, deserts his post because he "had to" shoot a dog, his partner screaming into the sound of screeching cop car wheels. Charlieeeeeeeee!
CUT TO: Two years later and the non-Charlie cop is dancing around merrily in his kitchen as he makes a fried shrimp po-boy from scratch, as we all do every lunchtime. I say making, perhaps he's reconstructing one that he bought at the store and accidentally dropped on the floor. Anyway, his lunch prep is interrupted as he has to jump through an open window to apprehend a plant thief, a young scamp known to the non-Charlie cop.
What’s the kid stealing? “Trees…shrubs…people gotta landscape.” Honestly, kids these days with their heinous crimes, stealing for the shadowy and powerful landscape gardening cartels. The cop lets it go after delivering a weird mini lecture about plant names. After the script writers tick a box and the cop asks about his Mom’n’em, we get...The Line.
I wasn't prepared for it to arrive so early into proceedings. It's...genuinely astonishing. Here it comes. The cardinal sin, the one that we all know and hate, committed right there in broad daylight.
“Tell her I’ll be round there on Saturday for the g-...”
I can’t say it. It's too painful.
The gu...
The guuuu…
The gummmmm…
THE GUMBO PARTY THE GUMBO PARTY THE GUMBO PARTY.
Damn. We’re three minutes in and the writers have already forsaken us.
A cute neighbor rolls up in a new car, and we learn that she’s a singer. SHE’S TOO HAPPY, I SUSPECT INCOMING TRAGEDY. Meanwhile, just outside town, a clean-cut white boy with a shiny vintage Airliner and a heart full of dreams looks wistfully at the NOLA skyline.
I wasn't prepared for it to arrive so early into proceedings. It's...genuinely astonishing. Here it comes. The cardinal sin, the one that we all know and hate, committed right there in broad daylight.
“Tell her I’ll be round there on Saturday for the g-...”
I can’t say it. It's too painful.
The gu...
The guuuu…
The gummmmm…
THE GUMBO PARTY THE GUMBO PARTY THE GUMBO PARTY.
Damn. We’re three minutes in and the writers have already forsaken us.
A cute neighbor rolls up in a new car, and we learn that she’s a singer. SHE’S TOO HAPPY, I SUSPECT INCOMING TRAGEDY. Meanwhile, just outside town, a clean-cut white boy with a shiny vintage Airliner and a heart full of dreams looks wistfully at the NOLA skyline.
CUT TO: Police HQ. Our non-Charlie cop, name of Marlin (not Martin, not Marlon, but Marlin) Boulet, is about to meet his new partner from “up north” (said with impressive incredulity). WHO COULD IT BE? You guessed it, it’s Cleancut Airliner, name of Trevor Cobb. Report to duty you guys, you’re both covering something called “a French Quarter benefit for the Ninth Ward.” Some nice jazz music, a bit of fundraising...what could go wrong?
CUT TO: Bourbon Street. Interior of a bar with live music going on. Boulet is getting through his shift downing cocktails at the bar as his neighbor wails theatrically on stage. Cobb doesn’t drink on duty (of course, these Yankee boys, amiright?), so basically he’s never going to make it in the NOPD. A blond lady gets on stage and this is the entirety of her speech: “We will rebuild the Ninth Ward, and bring people home. Most importantly we’re going to bring back hope!” YAAAAAAAY. OK, she’s definitely a scammer. Anyway, great speech, back to the band and that upbeat neighbor lady!
Cobb has an instant glad eye for blondie, but Boulet warns him off. She’s the daughter of “the casino” owner Rex DuBois (sadly not Mr. Harrah). Boulet says, with consummate charm, “You need to make more than $29k a year to pluck that flower.” Always the horticulture motifs with this guy.
But stop all thoughts of romance, a gunman enters and shoots the singer! Who hates jazz this much?! He flees and the next few minutes are just a chaotic blur of incoherence. CobBoulet run out onto Bourbon Street, just firing indiscriminately into the crowds. Two seconds later, we’re in speeding cars, now we're somewhere under a bridge way out of town, there are cop cars are everywhere, close ups of the drivers...there is no sense of geography or even any kind of consistent physical reality, really. WHAT IS HAPPENING? We somehow end up inside the casino, but with a car rolled on its roof right outside the premises? It’s incredibly disorienting but don't even worry about it because...
CUE OPENING CREDITS!
CUT TO: Bourbon Street. Interior of a bar with live music going on. Boulet is getting through his shift downing cocktails at the bar as his neighbor wails theatrically on stage. Cobb doesn’t drink on duty (of course, these Yankee boys, amiright?), so basically he’s never going to make it in the NOPD. A blond lady gets on stage and this is the entirety of her speech: “We will rebuild the Ninth Ward, and bring people home. Most importantly we’re going to bring back hope!” YAAAAAAAY. OK, she’s definitely a scammer. Anyway, great speech, back to the band and that upbeat neighbor lady!
Cobb has an instant glad eye for blondie, but Boulet warns him off. She’s the daughter of “the casino” owner Rex DuBois (sadly not Mr. Harrah). Boulet says, with consummate charm, “You need to make more than $29k a year to pluck that flower.” Always the horticulture motifs with this guy.
But stop all thoughts of romance, a gunman enters and shoots the singer! Who hates jazz this much?! He flees and the next few minutes are just a chaotic blur of incoherence. CobBoulet run out onto Bourbon Street, just firing indiscriminately into the crowds. Two seconds later, we’re in speeding cars, now we're somewhere under a bridge way out of town, there are cop cars are everywhere, close ups of the drivers...there is no sense of geography or even any kind of consistent physical reality, really. WHAT IS HAPPENING? We somehow end up inside the casino, but with a car rolled on its roof right outside the premises? It’s incredibly disorienting but don't even worry about it because...
CUE OPENING CREDITS!
I knew it. The neighbor is in hospital, the newscaster calling her a “local jazz celebrity”. A jazz celebrity! The highest form of local celebrity! She’s reporting from the crime scene and Boulet just picks her up and carries her off in a case of needlessly aggressive community policing.
A cop brings out a bag of worms (?!) that they found in the singer’s dressing room. Is that how musicians get high these days or is it just the crime world’s lowest rent calling card? A new Batman villain called The Wriggler? Boulet gets mad as he explains that her ex, a known ne'er do well called Tommy Corville, is a fisherman! Hey, he has access to worms! Probably! He storms off, as his colleague yells out the unsurprising news that the singer has died. I knew it was on the cards as soon as she pulled up in that car smiling. Sad piano music allows us to mourn.
CUT TO: Boulet repeatedly dunking a tied-up Corville in the dock from a pulley system as he protests his innocence. Your tax dollars at work! Corville swears up and down that he’s been fishing for two days and sold his catch to “some guy” in Westwego. Boulet doesn’t think it’s a water-tight alibi and just kind of leaves the suspect under the waves for a while so he can think it over. As we cut away, we can only assume that he frees Corville at some stage after this extrajudicial, frontier justice situation but who knows? All we know about Boulet so far is that he’s a maverick and that he loves plant life. That’s just how cops in K-Ville roll.
READ PART TWO OF THIS DEEP DIVE HERE
If you like what we do and want to support local independent journalism, please consider buying us a coffee - many thanks!
A cop brings out a bag of worms (?!) that they found in the singer’s dressing room. Is that how musicians get high these days or is it just the crime world’s lowest rent calling card? A new Batman villain called The Wriggler? Boulet gets mad as he explains that her ex, a known ne'er do well called Tommy Corville, is a fisherman! Hey, he has access to worms! Probably! He storms off, as his colleague yells out the unsurprising news that the singer has died. I knew it was on the cards as soon as she pulled up in that car smiling. Sad piano music allows us to mourn.
CUT TO: Boulet repeatedly dunking a tied-up Corville in the dock from a pulley system as he protests his innocence. Your tax dollars at work! Corville swears up and down that he’s been fishing for two days and sold his catch to “some guy” in Westwego. Boulet doesn’t think it’s a water-tight alibi and just kind of leaves the suspect under the waves for a while so he can think it over. As we cut away, we can only assume that he frees Corville at some stage after this extrajudicial, frontier justice situation but who knows? All we know about Boulet so far is that he’s a maverick and that he loves plant life. That’s just how cops in K-Ville roll.
READ PART TWO OF THIS DEEP DIVE HERE
If you like what we do and want to support local independent journalism, please consider buying us a coffee - many thanks!