🎵 The Chaaaad is not my son 🎵
Krewe of Chad: A field guide
EXPANDED AND UPDATED FOR 2024
With Endymion fast approaching, you may find yourself sharing these streets with a migratory species that comes to town to insert their presence into otherwise fun public celebrations. They're known locally as the Krewe of Chad, but how do you spot them? Here's a beginner's guide. And KoC? We're not insulting you, we're just describing you.
Tarps down two weeks before Endymion
Fruit of the Loom green, purple and gold polo shirt presented as “costuming”
Streaming awful media loud and without headphones in public spaces like an attention-starved, mewling newborn
Driving along flooded residential streets without slowing down
Pushing actual children out of the way to grab a slightly novel plastic throw, which they instantly discard
Entourage names: Braden, Brandon, Braydon, Kayleigh, Kaylee, Kaye-Lee
“Hey, we’ve had this spot reserved” even though that’s not something you can do on a public parade route
More bead than man at the end of Endymion
Violently conflicted about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
Huel
“If there’s global warming, then how come it’s snowing in Texas?”
Drinking in beer gardens with identically-dressed cohorts, loudly braying about sports and minorities, all while constantly looking down the road as if good times are going to arrive in a cab
“They should stick to sports” unless it’s Brett Favre or Aaron Rogers
Heritage not hate
Any children they have either completely feral or aggressively bullied into silence, no in between
Flipped collars
“Oh, and…onetwothree…nine lemon drops” addendum to round at a four-deep bar
Thinking that “Latoya the Destroya” is genius-level wordplay, saying it every time her name is mentioned no matter what context
Has angry, vocal opinions about movie franchises that are corporate/military marketing aimed at a demographic of low-intelligence ten year-olds
Standing at the airport gate way before their group is called, immediately standing up as the plane arrives at the gate despite being in row 31
Won’t go in a coffee shop unless it’s a Starbucks
Wraparound Oakley sunglasses welded to back of head
Watching Top Gun: Maverick five times at the cinema
Immediately walking behind the DJ stand at any dance party and yelling at them to play their friends awful EDM demo that they have on a USB stick for some reason
Skinny clothing on ‘roided out bodies
Waiting outside a store for several hours to buy a Stanley Cup
Entire personality and belief system based on high-profile grifters
Absolutely furious at restaurant chains that offer plant-based alternatives, even though the meat versions are still freely available
Counting going to Senor Frog’s in Cancun as experiencing another culture
Lululemon, North Face, Southern Tide, Michael Kors, Burberry, Uggs
The word ‘entitlement’ could use them as an image consultant
Utterly obsessed with AOC/Greta Thurnburg/Sam Smith
“It’s just a joke” unless they’re the punchline
“But they say it in their hiphop songs all the time”
Watches any and all sports fixtures just to stop the internal screaming
Bill Maher
Having a conniption when pressed to explain what they mean by ‘woke’ or ‘white culture’
Relentlessly furious because “crypto would work if everyone wasn’t such a coward”
Delivering psychotically pedantic logical flourishes like “Babe, I didn’t say you were a crazy bitch, I said you were ACTING LIKE a crazy bitch.”
10,000 hours on Call of Duty
Utility bracelet (unutilized)
Forming performatively high-conflict couples that are unwaveringly tense to be around
Drenching their khakis because someone has pronouns in their online bio
Wouldn’t know shame if it sat them down and gave them a haircut
Random use of phonetic alphabet
Cries “That’s just FUD, bro!” when concerned relatives point out obvious ponzi schemes
Thinks Star Trek is “too political”
Huge diver’s watch but has never been diving as it involves a passport or going to a coast
“What’s the problem with Rogan? He’s just asking questions.”
Michelob Ultra
Joining lines is for other people
Color Runs
Peaked in high school and knows it
Velcro wallets
Elon’s playing 5D chess
Unabashedly loving the military but would never sign up
Intricate sports team/frat house-related rituals as an excuse to touch other men
Just listing corporations and sports teams when asked “How would you describe yourself?”
Obama “HOPE”-style t-shirt but it’s Bill Murray
“You can’t say anything these days”
Crossing four lanes of traffic to make a last-second turn (never EVER signals in any scenario, obviously)
Red Dress Run but only because the idea of a man in a dress is the funniest thing imaginable
“How can I be racist when I love Dave Chapelle?”
Lives for St Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo despite having no Irish or Mexican heritage
Gym/bowling league/poker nights/fantasy leagues just to spend time away from girlfriend/fiancee/wife
No homo
Drunkenly hitting up decades-old crushes on Linkedin after wife has gone to bed
Fallon over Kimmel
Foaming outrage at the projected gender of corporate cartoon candies or the color/race/sexuality of fictional, non-human characters
“The jobs are out there, people just don’t want to work”
Knows the entire script of the movie Boondock Saints
Vocal disgust at sex work but follows Only Fans accounts on the downlow
Borat/Austin Powers impressions
Living the dream, bro
Cheesy compliment about your hair/tattoo as a prologue to non-consensual touch
Huge truck they only use to drive to work, Top Golf and the mall
Bro, I’ve got perfectly good natural immune system
Watching TV shows about cars just to stop the internal screams for one more hour
Consistently coraling aggressively drunken, eight-strong gangs to discordantly yell Bohemian Rhapsody/Sweet Home Alabama/Mr Brightside at karaoke while everyone else in the bar looks down at the floor
“OK, well in that case I identify as a king cake”
Yells obnoxious college football chant at every opportunity
Never tips because of some perceived slight/mistake/act of non-servility by the server
Country music, but just the modern commercial stuff about lite beer and trucks, and never Nelson/Cash/Parton
Stay mad, bro
Cheers loudly when a glass smashes in a restaurant, even when out with family members
Draining all available enjoyment from the movie The Big Lebowski by constantly quoting it
Secretly losing a sizeable amount of money backing an adult entertainer’s NFT scam
“Don’t these people have jobs?” at every protest
“The old ball and chain no I love her really hahaha” said with pleading, lost, dead eyes
EXPANDED AND UPDATED FOR 2024
With Endymion fast approaching, you may find yourself sharing these streets with a migratory species that comes to town to insert their presence into otherwise fun public celebrations. They're known locally as the Krewe of Chad, but how do you spot them? Here's a beginner's guide. And KoC? We're not insulting you, we're just describing you.
Tarps down two weeks before Endymion
Fruit of the Loom green, purple and gold polo shirt presented as “costuming”
Streaming awful media loud and without headphones in public spaces like an attention-starved, mewling newborn
Driving along flooded residential streets without slowing down
Pushing actual children out of the way to grab a slightly novel plastic throw, which they instantly discard
Entourage names: Braden, Brandon, Braydon, Kayleigh, Kaylee, Kaye-Lee
“Hey, we’ve had this spot reserved” even though that’s not something you can do on a public parade route
More bead than man at the end of Endymion
Violently conflicted about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
Huel
“If there’s global warming, then how come it’s snowing in Texas?”
Drinking in beer gardens with identically-dressed cohorts, loudly braying about sports and minorities, all while constantly looking down the road as if good times are going to arrive in a cab
“They should stick to sports” unless it’s Brett Favre or Aaron Rogers
Heritage not hate
Any children they have either completely feral or aggressively bullied into silence, no in between
Flipped collars
“Oh, and…onetwothree…nine lemon drops” addendum to round at a four-deep bar
Thinking that “Latoya the Destroya” is genius-level wordplay, saying it every time her name is mentioned no matter what context
Has angry, vocal opinions about movie franchises that are corporate/military marketing aimed at a demographic of low-intelligence ten year-olds
Standing at the airport gate way before their group is called, immediately standing up as the plane arrives at the gate despite being in row 31
Won’t go in a coffee shop unless it’s a Starbucks
Wraparound Oakley sunglasses welded to back of head
Watching Top Gun: Maverick five times at the cinema
Immediately walking behind the DJ stand at any dance party and yelling at them to play their friends awful EDM demo that they have on a USB stick for some reason
Skinny clothing on ‘roided out bodies
Waiting outside a store for several hours to buy a Stanley Cup
Entire personality and belief system based on high-profile grifters
Absolutely furious at restaurant chains that offer plant-based alternatives, even though the meat versions are still freely available
Counting going to Senor Frog’s in Cancun as experiencing another culture
Lululemon, North Face, Southern Tide, Michael Kors, Burberry, Uggs
The word ‘entitlement’ could use them as an image consultant
Utterly obsessed with AOC/Greta Thurnburg/Sam Smith
“It’s just a joke” unless they’re the punchline
“But they say it in their hiphop songs all the time”
Watches any and all sports fixtures just to stop the internal screaming
Bill Maher
Having a conniption when pressed to explain what they mean by ‘woke’ or ‘white culture’
Relentlessly furious because “crypto would work if everyone wasn’t such a coward”
Delivering psychotically pedantic logical flourishes like “Babe, I didn’t say you were a crazy bitch, I said you were ACTING LIKE a crazy bitch.”
10,000 hours on Call of Duty
Utility bracelet (unutilized)
Forming performatively high-conflict couples that are unwaveringly tense to be around
Drenching their khakis because someone has pronouns in their online bio
Wouldn’t know shame if it sat them down and gave them a haircut
Random use of phonetic alphabet
Cries “That’s just FUD, bro!” when concerned relatives point out obvious ponzi schemes
Thinks Star Trek is “too political”
Huge diver’s watch but has never been diving as it involves a passport or going to a coast
“What’s the problem with Rogan? He’s just asking questions.”
Michelob Ultra
Joining lines is for other people
Color Runs
Peaked in high school and knows it
Velcro wallets
Elon’s playing 5D chess
Unabashedly loving the military but would never sign up
Intricate sports team/frat house-related rituals as an excuse to touch other men
Just listing corporations and sports teams when asked “How would you describe yourself?”
Obama “HOPE”-style t-shirt but it’s Bill Murray
“You can’t say anything these days”
Crossing four lanes of traffic to make a last-second turn (never EVER signals in any scenario, obviously)
Red Dress Run but only because the idea of a man in a dress is the funniest thing imaginable
“How can I be racist when I love Dave Chapelle?”
Lives for St Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo despite having no Irish or Mexican heritage
Gym/bowling league/poker nights/fantasy leagues just to spend time away from girlfriend/fiancee/wife
No homo
Drunkenly hitting up decades-old crushes on Linkedin after wife has gone to bed
Fallon over Kimmel
Foaming outrage at the projected gender of corporate cartoon candies or the color/race/sexuality of fictional, non-human characters
“The jobs are out there, people just don’t want to work”
Knows the entire script of the movie Boondock Saints
Vocal disgust at sex work but follows Only Fans accounts on the downlow
Borat/Austin Powers impressions
Living the dream, bro
Cheesy compliment about your hair/tattoo as a prologue to non-consensual touch
Huge truck they only use to drive to work, Top Golf and the mall
Bro, I’ve got perfectly good natural immune system
Watching TV shows about cars just to stop the internal screams for one more hour
Consistently coraling aggressively drunken, eight-strong gangs to discordantly yell Bohemian Rhapsody/Sweet Home Alabama/Mr Brightside at karaoke while everyone else in the bar looks down at the floor
“OK, well in that case I identify as a king cake”
Yells obnoxious college football chant at every opportunity
Never tips because of some perceived slight/mistake/act of non-servility by the server
Country music, but just the modern commercial stuff about lite beer and trucks, and never Nelson/Cash/Parton
Stay mad, bro
Cheers loudly when a glass smashes in a restaurant, even when out with family members
Draining all available enjoyment from the movie The Big Lebowski by constantly quoting it
Secretly losing a sizeable amount of money backing an adult entertainer’s NFT scam
“Don’t these people have jobs?” at every protest
“The old ball and chain no I love her really hahaha” said with pleading, lost, dead eyes