The Chad is not my son
Krewe of Chad: A field guide
With Endymion and the Super Krewe parades fast approaching, you may find yourself sharing these streets with a migratory species that comes to town to insert their presence into otherwise fun public celebrations. They're known locally as the Krewe of Chad, but how do you spot them? Here's a beginner's guide:
Fruit of the Loom green, purple and gold polo shirt presented as “costuming”
Pushing little kids out of the way to grab a slightly novel plastic throw, which they instantly discard
“Hey, we’ve had this spot reserved for four days”
More bead than man at the end of Endymion
Only attends Super Krewe parades, maybe Krewe de Vieux to feel edgy
Flipped collars
Thinks “Latoya the Destroya” is genius-level wordplay
Wraparound Oakley sunglasses welded to back of head.
Has seen Top Gun: Maverick five times at the cinema
“What’s the problem with Rogan? He’s just asking questions.”
Absolutely furious at food chains that offer plant-based alternatives, even though the meat versions are still freely available
“Look dude, those women accusing Louis CK could have just left the room”
Lululemon, North Face, Southern Tide
Utterly obsessed with AOC/Greta Thurnburg/trans people
“But they say it in their hiphop songs all the time”
Bill Maher
Relentlessly furious because crypto would work if everyone wasn’t such a coward
Delivers psychotically pedantic logical flourishes like “Babe, I didn’t say you were a crazy bitch, I said you were ACTING LIKE a crazy bitch.”
Huel
Utility bracelet (unutilized)
Color Runs
Thinks Star Trek is “too political”
6 pack of Michelob Ultra
Nice guys finish last
Elon’s playing 5D chess
Intricate sports team/frat house-related rituals as an excuse to touch other men
Obama “HOPE”-style t-shirt but it’s Bill Murray
“You can’t say anything these days”
Has never experienced even a fleeting moment of self-doubt
Red Dress Run only because the idea of a man in a dress is the funniest thing imaginable
“How can I be racist when I love Dave Chapelle?”
Gym/bowling league/poker nights just to spend time away from girlfriend/fiancee/wife
No homo
Foaming outrage at the supposed gender of corporate cartoon candies or the color/race of fictional, non-human characters
“The jobs are out there, people just don’t want to work”
Knows the entire script of the movie Boondock Saints
Vocal disgust at sex work but follows three Only Fans account on the downlow
Borat impressions
Living the dream, bro
Cheesy compliment about your hair/tattoo as a prologue to non-consensual touch
Thinks Andrew Tate is getting an unjust deal
“The old ball and chain no I love her really hahaha” said with dead eyes
Huge truck they only use to drive to work and the mall
Bro, I’ve got perfectly good natural immune system
Consistently corales an aggressively drunken, eight-strong gang to discordantly yell Bohemian Rhapsody/Sweet Home Alabama at karaoke while everyone else in the bar looks down at the floor
‘Target-rich environments’
“OK well in that case I identify as a helicopter”
Yells college football chant at every opportunity
Won’t tip because of some perceived slight/mistake/act of non-servility by the server
Country music, but just the modern commercial stuff
“I don’t actually see that many women and children lining up at the border”
Stay mad, bro
Cheers when a glass smashes in a restaurant
Has drained all available enjoyment of the movie The Big Lebowski by constantly quoting it
“Pain is just fear leaving the body”
Lost a sizeable amount of money backing an adult entertainer’s NFT scam
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With Endymion and the Super Krewe parades fast approaching, you may find yourself sharing these streets with a migratory species that comes to town to insert their presence into otherwise fun public celebrations. They're known locally as the Krewe of Chad, but how do you spot them? Here's a beginner's guide:
Fruit of the Loom green, purple and gold polo shirt presented as “costuming”
Pushing little kids out of the way to grab a slightly novel plastic throw, which they instantly discard
“Hey, we’ve had this spot reserved for four days”
More bead than man at the end of Endymion
Only attends Super Krewe parades, maybe Krewe de Vieux to feel edgy
Flipped collars
Thinks “Latoya the Destroya” is genius-level wordplay
Wraparound Oakley sunglasses welded to back of head.
Has seen Top Gun: Maverick five times at the cinema
“What’s the problem with Rogan? He’s just asking questions.”
Absolutely furious at food chains that offer plant-based alternatives, even though the meat versions are still freely available
“Look dude, those women accusing Louis CK could have just left the room”
Lululemon, North Face, Southern Tide
Utterly obsessed with AOC/Greta Thurnburg/trans people
“But they say it in their hiphop songs all the time”
Bill Maher
Relentlessly furious because crypto would work if everyone wasn’t such a coward
Delivers psychotically pedantic logical flourishes like “Babe, I didn’t say you were a crazy bitch, I said you were ACTING LIKE a crazy bitch.”
Huel
Utility bracelet (unutilized)
Color Runs
Thinks Star Trek is “too political”
6 pack of Michelob Ultra
Nice guys finish last
Elon’s playing 5D chess
Intricate sports team/frat house-related rituals as an excuse to touch other men
Obama “HOPE”-style t-shirt but it’s Bill Murray
“You can’t say anything these days”
Has never experienced even a fleeting moment of self-doubt
Red Dress Run only because the idea of a man in a dress is the funniest thing imaginable
“How can I be racist when I love Dave Chapelle?”
Gym/bowling league/poker nights just to spend time away from girlfriend/fiancee/wife
No homo
Foaming outrage at the supposed gender of corporate cartoon candies or the color/race of fictional, non-human characters
“The jobs are out there, people just don’t want to work”
Knows the entire script of the movie Boondock Saints
Vocal disgust at sex work but follows three Only Fans account on the downlow
Borat impressions
Living the dream, bro
Cheesy compliment about your hair/tattoo as a prologue to non-consensual touch
Thinks Andrew Tate is getting an unjust deal
“The old ball and chain no I love her really hahaha” said with dead eyes
Huge truck they only use to drive to work and the mall
Bro, I’ve got perfectly good natural immune system
Consistently corales an aggressively drunken, eight-strong gang to discordantly yell Bohemian Rhapsody/Sweet Home Alabama at karaoke while everyone else in the bar looks down at the floor
‘Target-rich environments’
“OK well in that case I identify as a helicopter”
Yells college football chant at every opportunity
Won’t tip because of some perceived slight/mistake/act of non-servility by the server
Country music, but just the modern commercial stuff
“I don’t actually see that many women and children lining up at the border”
Stay mad, bro
Cheers when a glass smashes in a restaurant
Has drained all available enjoyment of the movie The Big Lebowski by constantly quoting it
“Pain is just fear leaving the body”
Lost a sizeable amount of money backing an adult entertainer’s NFT scam
Back to Stories