So...should I call you or....?
Out One Day: Your Worst New Orleans Dates
Here’s your antidote to Valentine’s Day disappointment. There’s always someone worse off than you, and in this case, they went on dates with these upstanding pillars of society. Bask in the glory of the New Orleans dating scene!
- I matched with a Saints player on Hinge. I thought I was being catfished, not only because he's gorgeous and kind of famous, but because he was very persistent about meeting me. When I finally met him for sushi, he looked pissed off. He was on his phone ignoring me for like 5 minutes before I had to ask what was wrong. He insisted nothing, but I felt like he was disappointed in the real life me, but I stayed for the story. Somehow we got on the subject of farms. As I was showing him adorable pictures of mini cows, he goes, deadpan, "I'm trying to milk you." Shocked, I asked him to repeat himself. He DID. It only got weirder from there.
- I had drinks by the bayou with someone I met online. Self-described as a feminist but then talked about himself the ENTIRE time and invited me back to his place nearly immediately, which it turned out was a squat with no electricity. He spent a long time describing how it was candle lit and romantic - I don't think he was a murderer, but definitely so self-absorbed he had no idea he was coming off as a creep inviting a woman who was a total stranger back to a dark, abandoned building.
- I had a crush on him, and he asked me out. We were going to the Decadence Ball which used to be in the empty lot of Chartres and Montegut. I was in semi-drag in a Little Black Dress (sans culottes). He offered a bong hit. I don’t smoke pot, but thought it might take the edge off my nerves. Mistake. Pot makes me weird. I chattered like an idiot at the ball. He rolled his eyes. Our mutual friend was bartending and we hung out talking to her for a while. Suddenly I thought, “I need a nap. RIGHT NOW.” I remember my knees crumpling and my chin hitting the bar as I collapsed. I came to with my date slapping my face and my dress up around my midriff. He took me to a nearby friend’s house to clean up my bloody face and extract gravel from my ass and legs. The date was clearly over, but he was gallant and stuck with me for a couple more hours, albeit begrudgingly.
Later, I was bartending graveyard on Lower Decatur in a now-torn-and-bloody dress. Around 4am, my bartender friend came to see me on her way home. “I know what happened!”
“Yah, I smoked pot.”
“No! The generator behind my bar was spewing carbon monoxide. Several more people collapsed after you left!”
Do I need to mention the boy never asked me out again? Or that the Decadence Ball disbanded around 18 years ago?
- A friend set me up with her new coworker cuz she heard him say he was Jewish and had kids so I thought, I’m Jewish and have kids, so a divorced Jewish dad, that’s nice. We went to Pepp’s Pub where I found out that he has three baby mamas in Israel and can’t go back into the country because he owes them tens of thousands in child support. His idea of romance is impregnating women and he made it very clear that he wanted to spend every moment from here on out with me to impregnate me next and move in with me ASAP, because between baby mamas he lives in a tent in the park if he’s in Israel or in a hostel here in the US. He also told me he doesn’t give money to homeless women because the first thing he thinks is they’re just going to use it on an abortion. After rejecting him, I later found out from the friend that he infected their workplace with bedbugs.
- This guy was a wacky weirdo who had fifteen minutes of fame when he went on The Biggest Loser. TMZ has a video of him drunk in Vegas after he got eliminated from the show. We ended up hooking up at my place even though he busted out DMT when we got there and tried to smoke it but didn’t have the right equipment. In the course of the hookup, kept asking me if we were now in love. Despite this, I continued to talk to him the next day or two. I was telling him I had a comedy show that weekend and then I asked him about karaoke at Chilangos because I know a lot of Spanish music and wanted to do Spanish karaoke and he had mentioned he did it there. He then proceeded to use a pretty shocking racial slur to describe the clientele there, and I reacted with disdain in the text to let it be known I thought he was out of line. Conversation ended there but he showed up uninvited to the comedy show I mentioned and left mushrooms in the tip jar before having an awkward conversation with me and my friends then leaving.
- I (a cis woman) am a software engineer. My date (a cis man) disagreed with me when I said I liked my job, because he knows women in tech and they don’t like it. He mansplained being me to me.
- The guy turned up drunk to Snake n' Jakes, told me it was his birthday (who goes out with a stranger on their birthday?) and got so drunk that he eventually threw up in my car.
- Shortly after divorcing, I was hitting the dating apps pretty hard. I went on a date with this guy after we talked online and texted a bit. He said he was pescatarian and I suggested sushi. The conversation was mostly good at first and then slowly started getting more intense. Over the course of our tempura, he told me about being a recovered addict and losing his wife to o.d./suicide. I am all for going deep, but I literally had tears in my eyes and felt horrible for his back story. We were wrapping up the night and he gives me this whole speech about liking to take things slow and not really being sure what he’s looking for. I wholeheartedly agree and think "whew, friend zone”, give him a quick hug and speed off. I get home, walk my dog, and proceed to get down with some netflix. I check my phone and there's this text from him. It's a video clip of him naked from the waist down complete with genitals, black socks and a dirty dresser. He, er, pleasures himself and the caption is “this is what going out with you caused me to do”. I didn't respond, and the next day he texts again, wondering if I got his first text. I responded that he should consider his teenage daughter getting the same message after a first date before he tried that approach again.
- On our first and only date, I told her that my parents were divorced but had found new partners and were very happy, and she told me that they were probably going to burn in hell.
- I went to this thing called the Broken Hearts Ball and met a guy I really liked, and he ended up really liking me so much that he married my cousin and my mom went to their wedding and called me long distance to tell me how much prettier she was compared to me.
- We had a picnic at The Fly, and my date wouldn’t tell me how to pronounce his name and treated every topic as a philosophical debate, including whether people should own pets or just live intergenerationally. That last one was right after I mentioned needing to go walk my dog, because he had exhausted me.
- We met at Bar Tonique and she was there before me, and already drunk when I showed up. We had one cocktail and I felt a little uncomfortable with how wasted she was, so I offered to pay for the drinks and call it a night. She accepted, and I got the bill but it was for her whole tab, like six or seven drinks. Seemed like paying was the path of least resistance, but no, we didn’t meet up again.
- Dude brought another date TO our date.
- After a pretty normal first date, for our second date we went to Galatoire’s and it was a really fancy meal. Half way through, he tells me he’s “reached his calorie limit for the day” but instead of stopping eating completely, he chews some of his remaining food and then starts spitting it out into a napkin. There was no third date.
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Here’s your antidote to Valentine’s Day disappointment. There’s always someone worse off than you, and in this case, they went on dates with these upstanding pillars of society. Bask in the glory of the New Orleans dating scene!
- I matched with a Saints player on Hinge. I thought I was being catfished, not only because he's gorgeous and kind of famous, but because he was very persistent about meeting me. When I finally met him for sushi, he looked pissed off. He was on his phone ignoring me for like 5 minutes before I had to ask what was wrong. He insisted nothing, but I felt like he was disappointed in the real life me, but I stayed for the story. Somehow we got on the subject of farms. As I was showing him adorable pictures of mini cows, he goes, deadpan, "I'm trying to milk you." Shocked, I asked him to repeat himself. He DID. It only got weirder from there.
- I had drinks by the bayou with someone I met online. Self-described as a feminist but then talked about himself the ENTIRE time and invited me back to his place nearly immediately, which it turned out was a squat with no electricity. He spent a long time describing how it was candle lit and romantic - I don't think he was a murderer, but definitely so self-absorbed he had no idea he was coming off as a creep inviting a woman who was a total stranger back to a dark, abandoned building.
- I had a crush on him, and he asked me out. We were going to the Decadence Ball which used to be in the empty lot of Chartres and Montegut. I was in semi-drag in a Little Black Dress (sans culottes). He offered a bong hit. I don’t smoke pot, but thought it might take the edge off my nerves. Mistake. Pot makes me weird. I chattered like an idiot at the ball. He rolled his eyes. Our mutual friend was bartending and we hung out talking to her for a while. Suddenly I thought, “I need a nap. RIGHT NOW.” I remember my knees crumpling and my chin hitting the bar as I collapsed. I came to with my date slapping my face and my dress up around my midriff. He took me to a nearby friend’s house to clean up my bloody face and extract gravel from my ass and legs. The date was clearly over, but he was gallant and stuck with me for a couple more hours, albeit begrudgingly.
Later, I was bartending graveyard on Lower Decatur in a now-torn-and-bloody dress. Around 4am, my bartender friend came to see me on her way home. “I know what happened!”
“Yah, I smoked pot.”
“No! The generator behind my bar was spewing carbon monoxide. Several more people collapsed after you left!”
Do I need to mention the boy never asked me out again? Or that the Decadence Ball disbanded around 18 years ago?
- A friend set me up with her new coworker cuz she heard him say he was Jewish and had kids so I thought, I’m Jewish and have kids, so a divorced Jewish dad, that’s nice. We went to Pepp’s Pub where I found out that he has three baby mamas in Israel and can’t go back into the country because he owes them tens of thousands in child support. His idea of romance is impregnating women and he made it very clear that he wanted to spend every moment from here on out with me to impregnate me next and move in with me ASAP, because between baby mamas he lives in a tent in the park if he’s in Israel or in a hostel here in the US. He also told me he doesn’t give money to homeless women because the first thing he thinks is they’re just going to use it on an abortion. After rejecting him, I later found out from the friend that he infected their workplace with bedbugs.
- This guy was a wacky weirdo who had fifteen minutes of fame when he went on The Biggest Loser. TMZ has a video of him drunk in Vegas after he got eliminated from the show. We ended up hooking up at my place even though he busted out DMT when we got there and tried to smoke it but didn’t have the right equipment. In the course of the hookup, kept asking me if we were now in love. Despite this, I continued to talk to him the next day or two. I was telling him I had a comedy show that weekend and then I asked him about karaoke at Chilangos because I know a lot of Spanish music and wanted to do Spanish karaoke and he had mentioned he did it there. He then proceeded to use a pretty shocking racial slur to describe the clientele there, and I reacted with disdain in the text to let it be known I thought he was out of line. Conversation ended there but he showed up uninvited to the comedy show I mentioned and left mushrooms in the tip jar before having an awkward conversation with me and my friends then leaving.
- I (a cis woman) am a software engineer. My date (a cis man) disagreed with me when I said I liked my job, because he knows women in tech and they don’t like it. He mansplained being me to me.
- The guy turned up drunk to Snake n' Jakes, told me it was his birthday (who goes out with a stranger on their birthday?) and got so drunk that he eventually threw up in my car.
- Shortly after divorcing, I was hitting the dating apps pretty hard. I went on a date with this guy after we talked online and texted a bit. He said he was pescatarian and I suggested sushi. The conversation was mostly good at first and then slowly started getting more intense. Over the course of our tempura, he told me about being a recovered addict and losing his wife to o.d./suicide. I am all for going deep, but I literally had tears in my eyes and felt horrible for his back story. We were wrapping up the night and he gives me this whole speech about liking to take things slow and not really being sure what he’s looking for. I wholeheartedly agree and think "whew, friend zone”, give him a quick hug and speed off. I get home, walk my dog, and proceed to get down with some netflix. I check my phone and there's this text from him. It's a video clip of him naked from the waist down complete with genitals, black socks and a dirty dresser. He, er, pleasures himself and the caption is “this is what going out with you caused me to do”. I didn't respond, and the next day he texts again, wondering if I got his first text. I responded that he should consider his teenage daughter getting the same message after a first date before he tried that approach again.
- On our first and only date, I told her that my parents were divorced but had found new partners and were very happy, and she told me that they were probably going to burn in hell.
- I went to this thing called the Broken Hearts Ball and met a guy I really liked, and he ended up really liking me so much that he married my cousin and my mom went to their wedding and called me long distance to tell me how much prettier she was compared to me.
- We had a picnic at The Fly, and my date wouldn’t tell me how to pronounce his name and treated every topic as a philosophical debate, including whether people should own pets or just live intergenerationally. That last one was right after I mentioned needing to go walk my dog, because he had exhausted me.
- We met at Bar Tonique and she was there before me, and already drunk when I showed up. We had one cocktail and I felt a little uncomfortable with how wasted she was, so I offered to pay for the drinks and call it a night. She accepted, and I got the bill but it was for her whole tab, like six or seven drinks. Seemed like paying was the path of least resistance, but no, we didn’t meet up again.
- Dude brought another date TO our date.
- After a pretty normal first date, for our second date we went to Galatoire’s and it was a really fancy meal. Half way through, he tells me he’s “reached his calorie limit for the day” but instead of stopping eating completely, he chews some of his remaining food and then starts spitting it out into a napkin. There was no third date.
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