Cher-ing is (un)caring: Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy
New Orleans’ Worst Media
by Paul Oswell
When there’s not an ongoing strike, our city provides the backdrop to many a cinema and TV classic. Locals take note when those productions are actually set in New Orleans. If the city is a character, you’d better believe people are invested in how it’s portrayed. Terrible Cajun or Creole accents, improper representation of local cuisine, racking up Mardi Gras and Voodoo cliches? It’s a minefield to tiptoe through New Orleans culture, and there are a lot of casualties. OAD took an informal poll to see which portrayals really get under locals’ skins: here are some of the biggest villains…
(Dishonorable mentions: Double Jeopardy (1999 movie), 12 Rounds (2009 movie), Treme (2010 TV show), All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989 movie), and “that one Star Trek episode where Riker meets Minuet” (1988 TV show episode))
The Big Easy (1987 movie)
Dennis Quaid, Ellen Barkin, John Goodman, and Ned Beatty star in this cringe-inducing “neo-noir romantic thriller”. The forgettable plot revolves around local mobsters, but it’s Quaid’s accent and some criminal screenwriting that people remember. Quaid is astonishingly unconvincing, repeatedly dropping ‘cher’ into his dialogue as a term of endearment but coming across as a creepy weirdo that is not representative of...anyone, really. In a 2012 interview, he blames his entire performance on the easy availability of cocaine on set. It is, as they say, a hell of a drug. Typical line (no pun intended): " I never did have much luck with sex anyway." "Your luck's about to change, cher."
Hard Target (1993 movie)
The first US movie by Hong Kong director John Woo has Jean-Claude Van Damme - The Muscles from Brussels - as the improbably-named Chance Boudreaux, “an out-of-work homeless Cajun merchant seaman”. Well, OK. You may be shocked to find out that Jean-Claude does not deliver a studied, nuanced take on Cajun culture, and one film critic noted that "Van Damme has still not broken the habit of his own blank-faced posturing.” The levels of violence met with an NC-17 rating, and J-C VD paid for his own edit of the movie, saying, "People pay their money to see me, not to see Lance Henriksen". Typical line: Waitress: “How's that gumbo, Chance?” Chance Boudreaux: “A tragedy. The coffee was tolerable, though.”
Mardi Gras Massacre (1978 movie)
Jack Weiss worked as a location manager on one of the more famous NOLA movies, Live And Let Die, where Bond meets Voodoo and gators. He also directed a handful of cheap-looking, locally-set movies of dubious nature. Quadroon (yikes) and Storyville both look pretty bad, but it’s this late-70s slasher that stands out. A killer is murdering scantily-clad women, and during Mardi Gras no less! That’s not very festive! This movie was banned in the UK and the US for a while “due to its graphic violence and nudity. Typical line: John: “I understand that you are the most evil woman here. Are you sure you're...evil?” Shirley Anderson, the Evil Prostitute (this is the actual character name): “Listen honey, I could probably take first prize in any evil contest.”
Delta Heat (1992 movie)
Another awful New Orleans cop jaunt with Lance Henriksen. Jean-Claude Van Damme would be (rightly) scandalized. Listen to this summary: an L.A. (not LA) cop investigates the death of his partner in the swamps of Louisiana (not L.A.), enlisting the help of an ex-cop who lost his hand to an alligator many years before. Of course. The Los Angeles cop (Anthony Edwards) is a disco-loving earring wearer who may as well be carrying a surfboard around. His all-round grooviness unsurprisingly jars with clean-cut New Orleans officer Rod Masterson. Henricksen is an unglamorous, hook-handed, swamp-dwelling hermit. We quickly descend into guns n’ gumbo mediocrity, with all of the accent-based inconsistency that you might expect. The authenticity is upped somewhat by the onscreen appearance of Rockin' Dopsie and the Zydeco Twisters, who contribute the tunes "Josephine Pas Se Ma Femme" and "Lafayette Two Step." Typical lines include the ‘Southerners being overly verbose’ trope - instead of asking about a smell, a character will say, "What is that pugnacious aroma?" - anyway, you get the idea.
Mayfair Witches (2023 TV show)
The Anne Rice cinematic universe extends beyond Interview With The Vampire, but just because it can doesn’t mean it should. Three books cover a New Orleans local (Alexandra Daddario) learning about their witchy ancestry, but a largely uncharismatic cast fail to lift the plot beyond ‘undramatic’. Critics call it “superficial” and “miscast”, but the overwhelming feeling is…dull, with one describing it as “a tepid cauldron of gothic horror”. AMC own the entire Rice vampire canon, so brace yourself.
Streets of Blood (2009 movie)
This straight-to-video calamity stars Val Kilmer, Sharon Stone and 50 Cent performing with, according to one review, “ insufferable New Orleans accents”. It tries to cash in on a Hurricane Katrina backdrop, but ends up being, and I quote from various sources here, “cheap”, “sweaty” and “confused”. Tough cops clean up tough streets. Of Blood. Typical line: “The Big Easy ain't so easy anymore.” GENIUS.
On Hostile Ground (2000 TV movie)
Listen to this pitch, fellas: A geologist tries to prevent a huge sinkhole from devouring New Orleans…during Mardi Gras! Honestly, they need a huge cavity just to cram in all the New Orleans cliches as John Corbett and Jessica Steen try and salvage this disaster. Corbett’s geologist fights City Hall as they, like the mayor in Jaws, refuse to close down Mardi Gras simply because the whole city might be swallowed up by an inconvenient gaping hellmouth. The movie is undermined because we know that locals just organize parties around any and all sinkholes, and also by the fact that the holes appear to be bone dry, despite the city’s famously high water table. Oopsie.
Jem and the Holograms: Let Me Take You To The Mardi Gras/Alvin and the Chipmunks: Uptown Funk/La Roux: New Orleans Ladies (songs)
It’s tough to find bad music about New Orleans, but these stinkers somehow manage it. Jem’s 'Let Me Take You To The Mardi Gras' is lazy from the get-go, opening with the timeless couplet, “Let me take you to the Mardi Gras/Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la”. Astonishing. The Chipmunks cartoon/live action fusion movie ‘Road Trip’ flounces though New Orleans, dropping an abysmal cover over a parade that looks so sanitized it must have been filmed at Disney, like a bleak window into our sterile future. La Roux’s 1978 ballad opens with the lyrical banality of “New Orleans ladies/A sassy style that'll drive you crazy” before a segue into “Them Creole babies…” and we’ll stop right there because it gets pretty, er, racist.
And finally….what you've all been waiting for...
K-Ville (2007 TV show)
Do we really even need to say it? Easily the most hated representation of our fair city according to almost everyone I asked. Two words: Gumbo. Party. Want to dive deeper? I watched the pilot so you don’t have to: please join me for a closer look at this outright atrocity.
If you like what we do and want to support local independent journalism, please consider buying us a coffee - many thanks!
MORE NEW ORLEANS CULTURE
by Paul Oswell
When there’s not an ongoing strike, our city provides the backdrop to many a cinema and TV classic. Locals take note when those productions are actually set in New Orleans. If the city is a character, you’d better believe people are invested in how it’s portrayed. Terrible Cajun or Creole accents, improper representation of local cuisine, racking up Mardi Gras and Voodoo cliches? It’s a minefield to tiptoe through New Orleans culture, and there are a lot of casualties. OAD took an informal poll to see which portrayals really get under locals’ skins: here are some of the biggest villains…
(Dishonorable mentions: Double Jeopardy (1999 movie), 12 Rounds (2009 movie), Treme (2010 TV show), All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989 movie), and “that one Star Trek episode where Riker meets Minuet” (1988 TV show episode))
The Big Easy (1987 movie)
Dennis Quaid, Ellen Barkin, John Goodman, and Ned Beatty star in this cringe-inducing “neo-noir romantic thriller”. The forgettable plot revolves around local mobsters, but it’s Quaid’s accent and some criminal screenwriting that people remember. Quaid is astonishingly unconvincing, repeatedly dropping ‘cher’ into his dialogue as a term of endearment but coming across as a creepy weirdo that is not representative of...anyone, really. In a 2012 interview, he blames his entire performance on the easy availability of cocaine on set. It is, as they say, a hell of a drug. Typical line (no pun intended): " I never did have much luck with sex anyway." "Your luck's about to change, cher."
Hard Target (1993 movie)
The first US movie by Hong Kong director John Woo has Jean-Claude Van Damme - The Muscles from Brussels - as the improbably-named Chance Boudreaux, “an out-of-work homeless Cajun merchant seaman”. Well, OK. You may be shocked to find out that Jean-Claude does not deliver a studied, nuanced take on Cajun culture, and one film critic noted that "Van Damme has still not broken the habit of his own blank-faced posturing.” The levels of violence met with an NC-17 rating, and J-C VD paid for his own edit of the movie, saying, "People pay their money to see me, not to see Lance Henriksen". Typical line: Waitress: “How's that gumbo, Chance?” Chance Boudreaux: “A tragedy. The coffee was tolerable, though.”
Mardi Gras Massacre (1978 movie)
Jack Weiss worked as a location manager on one of the more famous NOLA movies, Live And Let Die, where Bond meets Voodoo and gators. He also directed a handful of cheap-looking, locally-set movies of dubious nature. Quadroon (yikes) and Storyville both look pretty bad, but it’s this late-70s slasher that stands out. A killer is murdering scantily-clad women, and during Mardi Gras no less! That’s not very festive! This movie was banned in the UK and the US for a while “due to its graphic violence and nudity. Typical line: John: “I understand that you are the most evil woman here. Are you sure you're...evil?” Shirley Anderson, the Evil Prostitute (this is the actual character name): “Listen honey, I could probably take first prize in any evil contest.”
Delta Heat (1992 movie)
Another awful New Orleans cop jaunt with Lance Henriksen. Jean-Claude Van Damme would be (rightly) scandalized. Listen to this summary: an L.A. (not LA) cop investigates the death of his partner in the swamps of Louisiana (not L.A.), enlisting the help of an ex-cop who lost his hand to an alligator many years before. Of course. The Los Angeles cop (Anthony Edwards) is a disco-loving earring wearer who may as well be carrying a surfboard around. His all-round grooviness unsurprisingly jars with clean-cut New Orleans officer Rod Masterson. Henricksen is an unglamorous, hook-handed, swamp-dwelling hermit. We quickly descend into guns n’ gumbo mediocrity, with all of the accent-based inconsistency that you might expect. The authenticity is upped somewhat by the onscreen appearance of Rockin' Dopsie and the Zydeco Twisters, who contribute the tunes "Josephine Pas Se Ma Femme" and "Lafayette Two Step." Typical lines include the ‘Southerners being overly verbose’ trope - instead of asking about a smell, a character will say, "What is that pugnacious aroma?" - anyway, you get the idea.
Mayfair Witches (2023 TV show)
The Anne Rice cinematic universe extends beyond Interview With The Vampire, but just because it can doesn’t mean it should. Three books cover a New Orleans local (Alexandra Daddario) learning about their witchy ancestry, but a largely uncharismatic cast fail to lift the plot beyond ‘undramatic’. Critics call it “superficial” and “miscast”, but the overwhelming feeling is…dull, with one describing it as “a tepid cauldron of gothic horror”. AMC own the entire Rice vampire canon, so brace yourself.
Streets of Blood (2009 movie)
This straight-to-video calamity stars Val Kilmer, Sharon Stone and 50 Cent performing with, according to one review, “ insufferable New Orleans accents”. It tries to cash in on a Hurricane Katrina backdrop, but ends up being, and I quote from various sources here, “cheap”, “sweaty” and “confused”. Tough cops clean up tough streets. Of Blood. Typical line: “The Big Easy ain't so easy anymore.” GENIUS.
On Hostile Ground (2000 TV movie)
Listen to this pitch, fellas: A geologist tries to prevent a huge sinkhole from devouring New Orleans…during Mardi Gras! Honestly, they need a huge cavity just to cram in all the New Orleans cliches as John Corbett and Jessica Steen try and salvage this disaster. Corbett’s geologist fights City Hall as they, like the mayor in Jaws, refuse to close down Mardi Gras simply because the whole city might be swallowed up by an inconvenient gaping hellmouth. The movie is undermined because we know that locals just organize parties around any and all sinkholes, and also by the fact that the holes appear to be bone dry, despite the city’s famously high water table. Oopsie.
Jem and the Holograms: Let Me Take You To The Mardi Gras/Alvin and the Chipmunks: Uptown Funk/La Roux: New Orleans Ladies (songs)
It’s tough to find bad music about New Orleans, but these stinkers somehow manage it. Jem’s 'Let Me Take You To The Mardi Gras' is lazy from the get-go, opening with the timeless couplet, “Let me take you to the Mardi Gras/Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la”. Astonishing. The Chipmunks cartoon/live action fusion movie ‘Road Trip’ flounces though New Orleans, dropping an abysmal cover over a parade that looks so sanitized it must have been filmed at Disney, like a bleak window into our sterile future. La Roux’s 1978 ballad opens with the lyrical banality of “New Orleans ladies/A sassy style that'll drive you crazy” before a segue into “Them Creole babies…” and we’ll stop right there because it gets pretty, er, racist.
And finally….what you've all been waiting for...
K-Ville (2007 TV show)
Do we really even need to say it? Easily the most hated representation of our fair city according to almost everyone I asked. Two words: Gumbo. Party. Want to dive deeper? I watched the pilot so you don’t have to: please join me for a closer look at this outright atrocity.
If you like what we do and want to support local independent journalism, please consider buying us a coffee - many thanks!
MORE NEW ORLEANS CULTURE
